The One They Told You Not To Worry About

What to do when when your ex moves on with the subject of your suspicions.

No matter which way you slice it, breakups suck. You have to adjust to a quiet home and a big cold bed, explain to the people in your life why you’ll no longer be needing a plus one for that wedding and, in some cases, decide who’s going to keep the dog, the sofa and the friend group. And that’s on top of the heartbreak of accepting that the person you thought was going to be your future, is now officially your past. 

Whether or not you were the one who initiated the split, it adds insult to injury when your ex-partner quickly moves on with someone else. It makes you wonder whether something was already going on before the breakup or, at the very least, if there were feelings brewing. What’s even worse? When it’s someone you both knew, and they were the one they told you not to worry about. Maybe it’s the ex-partner. Or the ‘best friend.’ Or the work wife. Either way, you always had the sinking suspicion that there was something more beneath the surface. 

“Oh, her?” they told you at the time. “Nah babe, I’m not even attracted to her!” While you weren’t entirely convinced, you decided to let it go. Because, what else can you do? If you continued badgering them about it, you’d likely come off as ‘crazy’ and jealous, and risk pushing them away. So, you push it down, and remind yourself that of course it’s possible for men and women to be friends, without it having to be something more.

That is, until you break up and you see the soft launch Instagram post. Or, maybe a mutual friend just mentions it in passing, or you see it with your own eyes at a party. Yep, it’s her. With him (or, insert the relevant pronouns here). Your stomach sinks and you feel bile coming up through your oesophagus as you realise that figment on your imagination is now real. Ouch.

Whether it’s a week, or a month, or a year later, it still hurts. While your logical mind knows that they’re now single and can do what they want, you find yourself battling a mix of emotions. Jealously, shame, anger, sadness, all tied up together.

While it can be tempting to confront your ex and say “I knew it”, this is likely going to leave you feeling worse. So, how do you deal with this unpleasant situation in a mature, empowered and helpful way? Here’s how to reframe.